Arucard's Little Secret
by Oxling
Summary: Arucard's unfortunate misadventures as he tries to tell Integral he's not actually a man. 2nd Chapter Added 3-12-03
1. That Time of the Month

"May I talk with you, Master?"  
The voice echoed through the study of Hellsing mansion. Integral looked up.  
"What do you want, Arucard?"  
"I have a ... personal question."  
Integral raised an eyebrow. "You're five hundred years old, what could you have to ask  
me that you don't already know?"  
"Well...I....have a confession-no, a question...to make."  
"Fine. Then out with it."  
"...can I have your box of tampons?"  
A thud echoed through the study.  
Arucard shrugged, and retreated back through the ceiling, muttering, "Far too sensitive."  
  
***  
"Walter-san?"  
Walter jumped, his eyepiece flying to the floor. "Arucard..."  
"My apologies, Sir. I have a question for you."  
Walter sighed and rubbed his lense. "Sure."  
"Do you know where Integral keeps her box of tampons?"  
Arucard didn't understand what happened to Walter-san either, since he stood quite still with his hand over his heart, before collapsing (quiet dramatically) to the floor.  
  
***  
"Fukei!"  
"Yes, Masta?" Ceras looked up at the ceiling of her coffin bed.  
"May I have one of your tampons?" Arucard asked, gently, hoping for a better reaction.  
"Masta, that's disgusting!"  
"But...I..."  
The bed whirred and closed. Ceras ignored Arucard's pitiful pleas for assistance.  
Arucard slid through the wall, mumbling, "I'm going to ruin my favorite pair of silken panties..."  
  
***  
"Hi, welcome to Wallmart!"  
The man hissed at her rehearsed greeting, and continued into the store. His foppish red hat and long black hair disconcerted her. Kids these days.  
Everyone silenced as Arucard walked by. No one said anything as he solemnly walked into the "Feminine Supplies" aisle and picked up a box of Tampax.  
The only person who talked to him during the entire trip was an employee, whose advice he had asked on whether the pink bra or the blue one suited him better.  
Though Arucard didn't receive much of an answer. She screamed "Hentai!", and no one stopped him as he left the store without paying.  
********************************  
Legal Obligations: I do not own Hellsing, Integral, Arucard, Ceras, Walter, or Wallmart. I do, however, own your pathetic soul when you made the unfortunate mistake of reading this.  
My sincerest apologies.  
  
Tune in next time, for more exciting adventures, when Arucard tries to convince Integral he's not really a man. 


	2. Color Me Beautiful

***  
  
"Integra~~~l.."  
  
"No, Arucard."  
  
".but."  
  
"I said no."  
  
".b-b-but!"  
  
"The final answer is NO!" Integral was turning bright red.  
  
Arucard stalked dejectedly out Integral's study. He muttered as he sank through the hallway floor. "How is she supposed to know I'm not if she refuses to look!?"  
  
***  
  
"Fukei!"  
  
Seras jumped. "Ye-.yes, Masta?"  
  
Arucard phased into existence and sat down on Seras's coffin. "I think we need some time to talk.talk like civilized-"  
  
Seras sighed. "Masta.I don't have time for this!"  
  
Arucard jutted out his lower lip in a surprisingly pathetic way. "But I have nothing to wear!" he sniveled.  
  
"..wear? You've been wearing that same suit for years! What's wrong with it now?"  
  
Arucard pulled a copy of "Seventeen Magazine" from a hidden pocket.  
  
"It says here that I'm an 'Autumn', and that bright red is for 'Summers'! Do you have anything.." He peered closer at the magazine, "in..mauve? Or possibly.blue?"  
  
"Masta.if you wanted me to take off my uniform, you could've just said so."  
  
Arucard blushed even deeper than Integral, which Seras hadn't known was possible for the undead. "Why can't we just talk about clothes? I just don't think this old foppish thing flatters my girlish figure."  
  
Seras rolled her eyes. She figured she knew where this was going.  
  
"Of for God's sake, Arucard. Here. You can take whatever you want from my room..just.stop being so creepy!"  
  
Arucard grinned, the falsified blush receding from his cheeks. He giggled madly and sifted through Seras's drawers, as she walked out the door to leave him in peace. *** Unfortunately, where Seras ended up was the bathroom for female officers. Arucard was kneeling on the counter, leaning into the mirror. He was dabbing something on his face.  
  
"Seras.is it true you can use lipstick on your eyes?" Arucard sighed unhappily, once again, as Seras dropped onto the tile floor unconscious. "Why do younger girls have to be so sensitive." 


End file.
